Does Darkness Know Love? An Insight Into Visually Impaired People’s Dating

DATING
Author: Sweet Mylo, Unisa psychology graduate, disability activist www.sweetmylo.co.za info@sweetmylo.coza

ABSTRACT
Love is a universal phenomenon which should apply to all humankind, but that notion seem to be thrown out of mind when presented with blind people and replaced with the question “do they also date?” This paper aims to explore the dating scene in the dark. It will illustrate some of the aspects involved in blind people’s dating. How do they experience attraction? Do they prefer dating within the disability spectrum? What are the parents’ contributions to their trophy children’s experiences of love? These are some of the questions that will be explored in this paper.

KEYWORDS:
Disability,
Visual impairment,
Dating
Attraction
Cupid and love

INTRODUCTION
The issue of disability in society is one that is encompassed with both total ignorance and lack of information and education. The prevalence of these has resulted in certain prejudice directed to disabled people.
Visual impairement is one disability that often proves to leave people baffled. This can be ascertained by the type of questions addressed to visually impaired people, this being the few times that they are recognised or acknowledged, as often questions about them are asked to others while they are present.
Statistics estimate persons with disability in South Africa to be 15% of the population. Visual impairement is estimated to be found in over 285 million people world wide and all age groups included in the statistics (Hashemi, Yekta, Jafarzadehpur, Doostdar, Ostadimoghaddam and Khabazkhoob, (2017). The need for affection as proposed by Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is present in most if not all the visually impaired people.
According to Fichten, Goodrick, Amsel, & McKenzie (1991) socialising and the establishment of close relationships with both same and opposite sex peers become a developmental task in both sighted and visually impaired young adults.
Disabled (visually impaired) people are usually at the end of obnoxious questions about their dating or ‘not dating’ life as well as their sexual activities.
As a visually impaired individual who is also oftenly asked about the matter of dating, I saw it fit to address it in this context, so as to enlighten society about love in the dark. Aspects including:
interpretation of attraction, dating within or without and blind spots of love will be expantiated on to answer the question ‘does darkness know love’?

BLIND DATING: interpretation of attraction
There is a famous quote ‘love is blind’ which is highly adopted, believed and used by many in society. However, a contradiction arises when an assumption that blind people rarely date or are involved in love relationships due to their condition.
Simply unpacked, attraction is the ability to notice remarkable qualities about someone which ignites a yearning to be with them. The word ‘notice’ has absolutely nothing to do with visual perception but whatever force is responsible for the butterflies in the stomach syndrome, causing goosebumps and the ability to drive someone head over hills in love.
Generally, since blind people can’t use their sight for interaction and interpretation of the world, they strongly rely on their imagination to make sense of it all. Other valuable possessions at their corner are their sense of hearing and touch. Bearing in mind that in most cases those with visual impairement are not cognitively challenged and their other four senses would still be fully functional. As a matter of fact, when one sense fails or deteriorates the other senses work over time to compensate for the deficiency.
The above mentioned now lead us to the answer of how blind people interpret attraction. In offering an elucidation, a blind person may be attracted to someone’s presence, the way they speak (voice), their intellect or just how they make them feel. Since blind people are notorious for being too touchy, they can be physically attracted to their body through touching.
Research shows that marriage rates for blind people are similar to those of sighted individuals which expantiates on the paradox of blind people dating with an extension to matrimonial unions (Fichten, et al. 1991).

DATING WITHIN OR WITHOUT
Two sides are prevalent on blind people dating, whether to date those with impairments (either similar to them or otherwise) or to date the so called ‘well-bodied’ individuals. The first aspect could be that most blind people who were born that way or acquired the disability early in life attend special schools with only fellow blind people or at times other disabled people, which then means that they are mainly exposed to those similar to them. It then comes as no surprise when the time to start dating arrives that they often lean more to dating those also with visual impairement.
Visually impaired people are generally comfortable with and around each other. This limits the pressure not to fully be oneself, the ability to make mistakes due to the disability. They tend to think that sighted people may not necessarily be able to completely understand this issue (which to some extent is the truth), and hence to avoid such unpleasant feelings preference is directed to those who can totally comprehend the phenomena and those are believed to be the once in the same boat.
The other side of the coin are those who are visually impaired due to a loss. They were not born blind but something along the journey of life happened and they lost their sight, they probably dated before the loss took place and and all they know is dating a sighted person. They may at times feel that they need someone opposite to them in order to assist with visually demanding tasks and therefore, only seek the companionship of those with sight. You at times find those who are deeply rooted in this belief anchored in the saying ‘the blind cannot lead the blind’.
It then becomes quite sorrowful when they realise that the attention often given to them is either of assistance or one feeling pity for them. Research has found that sighted young adults are more likely
to date non-disabled individuals due to the negative feelings and discomfort that may come with dating a blind person (Fichten, et al. 1991). ).
In simple terms non-disabled people are mostly uncomfortable dating a disabled person, although this is not always the case with marriage stats showing that there are blind people who are married to sighted people. However, it is not clearly ascertained whether the marriage took place before or after the sight loss.
Dating within or without is at times a conscious decision due to the above-mentioned reasons. However, other times blind people are left with no choice but to date within because of the lack of social integration that still exists resulting in a negative perception towards dating a blind person.
The addressing of the notion that dating a blind person as a sighted one will mean that you’re a glorified ‘baby sitter’ or that you will be taking advantage of the individual should be the starting points in combating the negative feelings that exist.

BLIND SPOTS OF LOVE
• The need for eyes
In as much as persons with visual impairement may train themselves to do most things through the use of mind maps and utilisation of the other senses, there are still certain things that they need eyes for. They tend to use the phrase ‘can I borrow your eyes’ to outline their need for visual assistance.
In a case whereby two visually impaired individuals are in a relationship, some of the challenges that can be expected include having to seek for eyes from out of the household
(if only staying together). This could at times be problematic if the eyes borrowed happen to have long fingers. Eyes may be needed for simple things like telling which identity document is whose; finding the fallen earing or just telling which soup is which.
Fortunately, technology has not fallen behind in assisting visually impaired people even on the other side of the world. Apps like be my eyes are at the fore front in adhering to the ‘can I borrow your eyes’ call all around the world.
This is a free mobile App created by Hans Jorgen Wiberg in 2015 that connects blind and low-vision people with sighted volunteers and company representatives for visual assistance through a video call.
Such technological interventions in a relationship assist in feeling as though dating a sighted person would be advantageous in one’s life. However, as fore-mentioned a life of a visually impaired individual will never be without a need for visual assistance from a person closest to them.
• The caregivers’ syndrome
Parents or caregivers of a visually impaired child become so wrapped in making life as comfortable as possible for their child to an extent that they believe that other people may not necessarily be able to offer the reasonable accommodation that their child needs. This then creates a conundrum as far as dating is concerned. One of the two things tends to transpire, resistance from the parent/caregiver that time to date has arrived or the belief that they need to dictate who their child should date. The latter is encompassed with either them leaning towards them dating a similarly visually impaired person, in that way chances of being hurt as a result of their impairement is lessened, the other side of the coin is preference given for a sighted person in that way they would be able to ‘take care’ of their child.
All the above-mentioned scenarios are detrimental since a visually impaired individual is still a person in their own right, capable of making decisions for themselves and even making mistakes just like everyone else, and should be afforded the opportunity to do just that. Those that refuse the snatching of their right to choose and to make decisions for themselves are labelled as rebellious and leave their overprotective parents/caregivers disappointed, for they would have believed for so long that they have the final say in their ‘fragile’ child’s life (which should never be the case).
• Cupid’s dribbles
The love scene is not for the faint hearted. Even before we speak on disabled people dating, generally the process of two people weaving their life together comes with its ups and downs and demands that one goes in with their eyes wide open. However, that too has proved not to be a cushion against love’s dribbles. Visually impaired people are not absorbed from that true reality.
In the context of visually impaired people, it may unfold in this manner: as most often visually impaired people are socially excluded, this translate in them finding it difficult to
engage in love relationships (this mostly in relation to older visually impaired people who are neither at school or in the work force) meaning that even their mobility is limited. At any sign of a person making advances, they quickly become hooked and sadly feel the need to cement the union or affection in monetary forms. These very reasons are those that see people (more especially non-disabled) dating visually impaired individuals so as to access their disability grant.
Other dribbles in a same sightless relationship may include one spouse being unfaithful to the other (since there is an unverified belief that disabled people love sex a lot). Another aspect that contributes to visually impaired spouses separating is the issue of not being able to equally participate in the running of the household as far as chores are concerned. This is often due to visually impaired people not trained or allowed to be independent by their caregivers/parents.
Having said that, the above mentioned two points are not unique to only visually impaired couples, it is also applicable to sighted partners, substantiating the notion that visually impaired couples are not that different to their sighted counterparts.
They fall in love the same way sighted people do, they face similar challenges and all aspects that make a love relationship are one and the same with only one exception that their love is through the dark, but then again, all aspects of their lives are also dusky. However, this does not impede them from living fulfilling lives.

CONCLUSION
As discussed above it is clear that darkness does know love. Though sometimes their love is confronted with constant external challenges, Cupid never fails to direct his arrow to the willing hearts. It is then safe to aggressively reinforce that the blind through the lances of the sighted world be perceived as equal targets for Cupid. The discussion above has provided a detailed description of love in the world of those who are encircled by darkness.

REFERENCES
Fichten, C. S., Goodrick, G., Amsel, R., & McKenzie, S. W. (1991). Reactions toward dating peers with visual impairments. Rehabilitation Psychology, 36(3), 163.
Hashemi, H., Yekta, A., Jafarzadehpur, E., Doostdar, A., Ostadimoghaddam, H., &
Khabazkhoob, M. (2017). The prevalence of visual impairment and blindness in underserved rural areas: a crucial issue for future. Eye, 31(8), 1221-1228.